News on the March

From the United States Department of State, the U.S. Consulate in Rome, the Central Intelligence Agency, the American Embassy in Italy, and His Eminence the United States Ambassador to Italy:

"Run for your lives. They sky is not falling. There isn't even any sky to fall. We'd be lucky if the sky was falling. Seriously, if you're not terrified, you better GET THERE, for your safety and the safety of your children. And freedom. You should be terrified for the safety of your freedom. Or something. Abstract phrase without substantive meaning.

"If you're an American citizen and value your freedom (which is your birthright) and should, for whatever ungodly reason find yourself outside the borders of glorious America, return as quickly as possible. If you are unable to immediately re-enter our fields of amber grain, please please PLEASE try to stay alive. It won't be easy, especially if you're in a city full of evil Gypsies like Rome. Avoid crowded areas like Stazione Termini, the Campo dei Fiori, and the Piazza Navona. And the Coliseum, Forum, Pantheon, St. Peter's (the square and basilica), Largo Argentina, Piazza Venezia, the Campidoglio, the Palatine, the Aventine, Piazza di Spagna, Trevi Fountain, Piazza del Popolo, the Villa Borghese, the Via del Corso, the Corso del Vittorio Emanuele II, all Musei di Roma, the Capitoline Museums, the Galleria Borghese, the Piazza Trilussa, and the river roads. As well as all major and minor churches and monuments.

"If these guidelines are strictly adhered to in the (ideally short) amount of time that you choose to remain outside the boundaries of our purple mountains' majesty, then you might possibly escape mortal harm. But ONLY if they are strictly adhered to. If, for reasons passing understanding, you choose to ignore these carefully researched and crafted rules, you will inevitably be robbed, drugged, raped, and then thrown into the River Tiber. And it will only happen in that order if you're lucky.

Stay in your places of residence. Eat at your hotel's restaurant. If your hotel doesn't have a restaurant, you should fast. Leave only to go to the airport and return to the United States. And oh DEAR GOD do not get on a bus or a train to get to the airport. Hire a taxi. It's worth the 100 Euro to arrive at the airport alive, unraped, undrugged, unrobbed, and not thrown in the Tiber. Keep your wits about you at all times, trust no one, and return to America as quickly as possible. This is the only way to stay safe and happy. And free.

"That is all."